The Black Barbie Chronicles: American Values

Black Barbie Teaches Values

      During class today, I took the liberty of copying down the text from one of the dialogues that my students are required to study at the opening of a new lesson. These dialogues suck. They are boring, horrible and seriously, no one speaks like that. I also dread having to hear the mindless listen and repeat six times a day for a week. However, I was stunned to discover that while the curriculum may be rife with errors (I correct the textbooks on an almost daily basis), every now and then the book redeems itself by teaching this generation of Koreans some very important life lessons. Below is an excerpt of the dialogue in the textbook:

Jane: Oh boo hoo. I’m not as smart as you! You are so smart and I am not. I am sad.

Dick: Hey, your grades are much better than Mary’s. Mary is not as smart as you. You are not the worst student in our class! Mary is the worst student in class.

Jane: That is all right for you. You are the brightest student in class. I am sad.

Dick: Hey! What is up? That is not true. I am smart. I study hard for good grades. You are the most popular student in the class. You always help others. Everybody likes you. That is more important.

Jane: Really? You really think so?

Dick: Yes. You are my best friend.

Noting the important lessons that my students could take away from this short passage, I ensured that each student had a chance to read each part. I had my entire class of 30 plus kids read this dialogue. It simply would not have been right had my students failed to miss any of the following points:

  1. When in doubt about your own abilities, comparing yourself to somebody slightly less fortunate than yourself is a totally appropriate way to restore your pride and to make yourself feel good like a big man. Just ask our current US President.
  2. People who don’t have the exact same problems as you will never be able to properly understand the difficulties that you and you alone have to face and endure on a daily basis. Again, this applies to our current US President.
  3. Hey, it is okay if you are a fucking moron, just as long as you somehow still manage to get everybody to like you. Popularity is the name of the game and the most important thing in life and don’t you forget it! Ah, there are several politicians this could apply to, so take your pick. I will stick with my personal favorite, our current US President.
  4. The fact that everybody likes you somehow refutes the assertion that you are a fucking moron. Again, see numbers 1-3 and our current US President.

While you may think that I’m kidding, I take my role as Life Advisor for Korean youth very seriously. Tune in next week for The Tale of Black Barbie and the Canadian Pedophile.

F.M. Laster

“I never loved another person the way I loved myself”. – Mae West


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