The Black Barbie Chronicles: A Girl Embarrasses Her Handler

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Oh man! I still remember this like it was yesterday.  My poor Korean ( yes, I’m STILL racist), learned more about me than he ever wanted to know.  For reference, when foreigners come to teach in Korea Land they need to have a physical. You know, to make sure we don’t infect the rest of Korea. Below is me getting my test results with Moon Yeoung at the hospital and he needs to pass along some information from the doctor, who speaks no English.  Good times are a coming.  You know when you’re in a foreigner country, you don’t speak the language, the lack of translation really starts to freak you out. Check out this story.

F. M . Laster

“I’ve been things and seen places.”- Mae West

A Girl Embarrasses Her Handler

   So, I got the results from my medical tests. Good news, I am not a dirty foreigner! Yeah, but there was some news, which embarrassed my poor, dear handler, Moon Yeoung. It seems that I am anemic with low iron in my blood. The doctor is explaining all this to Moon Yeoung and he is turning red in the face as the seconds pass. Why he is turning red is beyond me. I do not understand this at all. However, the two men are deep in conversation. The doctor is looking at me, pointing to my test results, looking at my co-teacher, who in turn is looking at me. Again, not sure what the hell is going on, but I am starting to panic.

Could it be that the low iron is a ruse in order to get me deported? Could I actually have transmitted some sick dirty foreigner disease and no one wants to tell me? Could I be pregnant? That one had me really scratching my head and wondering how the hell I was going to explain this one. I mean, it’s been a minute…..Hey mom and dad, yeah, I’m back from Korea because I’m pregnant. I’m not sure how cool Korea is with the whole bastard child thing, but I really don’t think that will work with people who are really fresh off the boat. What the hell did I think this is, America?

After what seems like eternality, I grab Moon Yeoung and ask him what is going on? Check out this shit:

Me: Moon Yeoung, well?

Moon Yeoung: Uh, it’s okay, just small problem.

Me: What problem?

Moon Yeoung: You have some blood issues and need to take things for it.

Okay, now I’m worried? Do I really have some dirty disease that I don’t know about? Am I dying? WTF? People.

As if on comic cue, a female nurse walks by, Moon Yeoung signals her. Here my medical concerns are being discussed with my handler, my doctor, and some random nurse who happened to come along. They are all looking at my test results, looking at me, and then back to the test results. Again, I cannot take this shit any longer.

Me: Hey, what’s wrong?

Nurse: Hello, your test show anemia. You will need iron. Seaweed would be good and take iron pills from the pharmacy.

Me: Okay, so I’m not understanding what is so hard about telling me that.

Nurse: Oh, he (pointing to Moon Yeoung), did not know how to ask you about your periods.

Me: (total look of confusion on my face) My what????

Nurse: Your period. If you have a lot, then it would explain anemia. You need to take iron.

Me: Oh, okay. No worries. I will take iron and tell the doctor yes, I have a lot.

Poor Moon Yeoung knows more than he cares to know about female reproduction than he cared to know that day. He also learned that I have heavy periods. Anyway, the nice doctor told me the best pills to take and gave me some to take home. He also gave me some medicine for “pep” and to get some more from the pharmacy. He even wrote it down and everything. Not sure what “pep” was, but if I were someplace else other than Korea, I would think they were some version of amphetamines. Damn, they were good. Thanks Korea for getting me high my first few days here. Not sure what story I’ll have for next week, but it’ll be entertaining.

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