Black Barbie Chronicles: Putting Korea on a Pedestal

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Yeah, it does. I still remember to this day why I went to Korea; I went for the wrong reasons, which is why some of the decisions I did there, well, let’s say they’re questionable. Anywho, this entry is kind of personal, but then again you’re for this shit, right.? As usual, enjoy and have a great week.

F. M. Laster

“I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.” -Mae West

August 25th 

Putting Korea on a Pedestal

I just realized today that I have been putting Korea on a pedestal. I do feel that a backstory is necessary to explain that statement. Here it goes, when I back at U of H I had an incident during Rush Week that damn near killed me. I was kind of at fault; wrong place wrong time; but the trama of that day really put me out of commission for a while. However, I knew that I needed to get on with my life.

So what did I do? I ignored what I was feeling, slammed, and nailed that door shut and got on with my life. I knew that I needed to finish school, graduate, and get some job and start a career. Before I could do any of those things, I needed to get the hell out of bed. I knew I had to nail THAT door shut to complete what I wanted to do.

At that time, I had a lot of people who were depending on me. Yeah, I know right, real people depending on my lazy ass! If I didn’t do it for them, I knew that I had to do it for me.

Well years, later I did what I had to do and never looked back at that damn door I nailed shut. That was a mistake; a mistake which had come back to bite me in the ass many a time when I got too drunk, stayed out too late, and dated guys I had no business of dating. Then I met up with Hannu, and shit really started to get real. A little too real if you recall.

I needed to get away. I promised myself that when I get to Korea, all of my shit, issues, and problems would be fine. Hell, Korea would fix me. Korea would make me better. Where else can I deal with issued from years ago other than Korea? Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Korea was the place where I would be able to finally deal with my pain and the many issues in my life. I left Texas with three goals in mind, get the hell away from Hannu, save some money, and figure how I would start over. Every day I felt that I was getting closer to my goal, and I felt good. I was thinking, hey Korea really is right for me. Why the hell didn’t I get here sooner?

Then, out of nowhere, that door that I thought I had nailed shut flew the fuck wide open. I really did not realize how much anger, stress, and anxiety that I had suppressed over the years. Over the weekend, it just crushed me both mentally and physically.

Emotions are a strong son of a bitch. One of the reasons I think it hit me so hard was because I put Korea on a pedestal. I never got around to really saying what I was feeling. I never got around to addressing the hurt and wrong which was done to me. I never made peace with myself and the person who caused me so much pain and suffering. I let things go for so long doing so much dangerous shit that I’m sure my guardian angel must have been having kittens trying to keep me safe. I thought Korea would be the place where I would not have to share my feelings; I could still hide them from both myself and the world.

Well, that’s the thing about putting people and places on pedestals; sooner or later they will fall off. That’s what happened to me. I can’t hide or run or hope that this place or that place will help me; I need to help myself. I need to acknowledge my pain, issues head-on, and deal with them. Unfortunately, I can’t really do it here. I do not have the instant support I had back in Texas. However, I do have some great people who I met there who support me and are there when I need them.

No, I can’t run from my problems. No matter how long, hard, and fast I run, they are still there. I must deal with them, and there is no place on Earth where I can hide in the hopes of getting away from them.

 

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