The Black Barbie Chronicles: Korea is Broken



Travelling can bring out the best and worst in people. Travelling can also make you think that you’re better than other people.  Here’s a trip down memory lane when the newness of Korea wore off, and things got real. Enjoy

F. M. Laster

“I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.” -Mae West


Black Barbie Declares Korea Broken

  Guess what bitches? Korea is broken. Broken. Total. Wasteland. Korea is so broken I have no clue how or even where to begin to explain the brokenness, which is Korea. The mind just boggles.

Okay, okay. It appears that Black Barbie has now hit “That Stage,” where I need to place myself in a Racist Cultural Bigot Timeout. After giving myself a good two months of being respectful to my host country, its time to bring out the hate! I have to do this if for the only reason to make every foreigner in Korea be embarrassed to know or even be around me.

Not that my small group of associates shouldn’t be embarrassed. However, there is some strange idea floating around here in Korea Land that I am the shit! I have embraced Korean culture so well and rolled with the punches here that I am the poster child of the whole, embracing the culture and being this well-rounded, culturally sensitive individual. Well, the folks back in Texas Land know that shit’s not true! What is, Korea has projected this image that I am a 10 when in reality I’m a 5 in Beer Goggles.

Now readers, before we get our pretty cotton panties in a bunch with my cultural ignorance, America is just as fucked up as Korea. I’ve bitched about America for as long as I can remember. I’m tired of broken America; that’s why I came to Korea. You guys know I ran out of material to bitch about! Well, that and the possibility to avoid a prison sentence. So without further ado and fanfare, here are just a couple of reasons why I, the Entitled American, feel that Korea is broken.

Koreans are social retards. Now, I don’t mean like I’m not socially retarded, which I am. Koreans cannot pull of Drunken Molester Uncle, quite like I can. Oh, no! Koreans skip Drunken Molester Uncle and go right to You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me. This is what I mean.

A third party, for the most part, usually introduces Koreans to each other. The Western (wrong way) for walking around drunk in a bar and talking and hooking up with random strangers until you can get one drunk enough to sleep with you is not done by “Proper Koreans.” Only Dirty Pregnant Western Sluts engage in that type of behavior. And the Japanese, and of course the Chinese. Boy, the hate is strong for both the Chinese and Japanese. Perhaps is it has something to do with both countries going back and forth, making Korea its bitch over the years can do a number on the people. However, that story is for another day. Today it’s all about Korea. Now, back to the story.

Since you have not been properly introduced to someone, to a Proper Korean, you do not exist. Because you do not exist, there really is no need to be nice to oh say, 99% of the population. Come on; you can’t expect to be nice and polite to people who are not there. That’s crazy talk, which welcomes a trip to Arkham Asylum.

As a result of not existing to other Koreans explains so many things in my short time in Korea. Koreans will jump ahead of you in line at the store. They will push you out of the way to get on the subway. Of course, there is my personal favorite, walking right into you when there is no one else in the room. You must remember, Koreans are not rude; you simply don’t exist. Understand?

No matter how hard Koreans wish to be one, many Koreans hate White people. Baby, the hate is strong. These are also the same people who fail to see the irony in this inferiority complex. If any group can recognize a nation having an inferiority complex, it’s us Americans. No matter where you look in any major city in Korea, there are ads for some sort of cosmetic surgery. For a nation, which prides itself on being full-on Korean, they sure do hate looking Korean.

Koreans place a lot of value on the high nose, small face, and double eyelid. Basically, they wish to have Caucasian features. Men and women forcing themselves to an impossible beauty standard is so unfortunate. My personal opinion is that you shouldn’t have to change yourself in order to be accepted. I find Koreans just as attractive without the surgery. Just don’t tell them that little tidbit. They will refuse to believe you and think that you are making fun of them. How do I know this to be fact? Well, because I tried to tell a few Korean friends this same information and was shot down with the quickness.

In my little world of Busan where if for some reason, I don’t see an ad for cosmetic surgery, there are other reminders of Uncle Sam. We have billboards and commercials for Mickey D’s Burger Kong, and MLB. Korea is almost the America of Asia with all the ads and imports. Almost. Korean still has a distinct Korean identity, which is something America is sorely lacking.

In spite of holding a Eurocentric beauty standard as the ideal, having a boatload of American imports, Koreans are programmed from birth to believe that Koreans are the best in the world. Not another nationality can hold a candle to Korea’s greatness, which is what gives us the Korean Social Hierarchy; Koreans, other Asians, and Foreigners.

A Random White Face (phrasing) at a school is gold! This Rando can do no wrong. However, because you are a foreigner, very few Koreans will respect you. As a foreigner, you are below Yorkies on the Social Hierarchy. It does not matter if Koreans want the high nose, watch American TV, eat Mickey D’s for lunch, or drink Jack Daniels like water.

Koreans don’t care that you are the Native English Teacher, the Korean teacher taught them English. As far as the Koreans are concerned, the Korean teacher way is the right way. They are not going to change-y because the Foreign Slut believes they know more about a language they’ve been bathed in since birth! Oh no. Your place in Korean society will never be higher than pond scum. The color of your skin doesn’t matter in Korea Land. At the end of the day, as a foreigner, you will always be the Pregnant, AIDS/STD Dirty Foreigner Slut. Never, ever, forget your place in Korean Society.

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