The Black Barbie Chronicles: Black Barbie Pees on Southern Jesus

jesus

Yep, I’m back with more interesting stories from Korea Land.  Since this is post holiday time, I’ll tell some tales about the holidays.  Let’s start with a classic that begins and end with alcohol.  I can’t think of a better start to the new year. Have a great week.

F. M. Laster

“The best revenge is massive success.” – Frank Sinatra

Black Barbie Pees on Southern Jesus

There comes a time with all of us, myself included that I turned into THAT GIRL over the holiday. You know the one; the drunk bitch who embarrasses not only her country but ALL of her ancestors? Yep, that’s me. Now, I have a couple of choices. I could feel awful about the choices I made, say, I made some bad choices and vow to be a better person next year. Or I could say fuck that shit and live it up. Guess which one I chose?

Seeing that I am the type of person who was moderately repressed back in Texas, Korea has really opened up some doors. My goal here is to have as much fun as the law allows. I told Lauren that I was having a blast here in Korea, and it was the best fun I have ever had in all my life. She looked at me kind of sad and said I really need to go to Australia with her. There, I’ll learn the meaning of fun.

Of course, Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that I have done some highly regrettable things and done questionable stuff with people I met here in Korea Land. However, I have had a chance to build some actual friendships here. Without these new friends, Christmas Day wouldn’t have been the Daegu Fantastic Shit Show it turned out to be.

Like all best-laid plans, Christmas morning didn’t really happen. After arriving in Daegu, we did what we always do; get shit faced. We talked a big game about getting up early and actually going into downtown Daegu for a proper Christmas breakfast.  As a result of getting shit faced, my drunken ass was still sleeping on Lauren’s floor at 3 in the afternoon. In my defense, she was passed out halfway between her bed and the floor. Some fucking host! So our “breakfast” was coffee, fresh-cut fruit, oatmeal, and cigarettes. Hell, Lauren’s a better host than me. I would have said look in the fridge and let my guest fend for themselves if they came to Busan to visit me.

As I stated early, the OG plan was to meet Stacy and Carol downtown for some shopping. However, Lauren and I could not get moving until 5, and then out the door at pm. We did meet up with Stacy and Carol downtown for dinner instead. We went to this place called Italy, Italy. Can you guess what type of food they served?

While waiting at the hostess stand for a table. Stacy recognized a coworker from her school in line. The poor lady was alone, on Christmas, in Korea. Ahh, poor bitch. Well, we all kind of felt sorry for her and invited her to join us. The lady accepted our offer of friendship.

Now, I’m from Texas. If someone seems to display friendliness, I think that they are a friendly person. Also, being that she was alone, I thought she would be more than happy to join some other people. Well, it turns out this bitch proved me wrong. Turns out the cunt, hates people and having to associate with them unless it’s unavoidable.

This was proven to me during our holiday meal. Carol, Lauren, and I tried to make small talk with her, while Stacy looked on very uncomfortable. This girl sucked significant hard. While we were talking to her, her responses were short, curt, and right to the point. I mean, she didn’t engage, offer, or try to fake how much disgust she had with having to be with us.

This bitch spent the majority of her time playing and texting on her phone. Oh, I’m sorry, I guess we are not good enough for you? Need to find some better people to be with? I mean it took all of me, not to say something to her. Stacy was giving me a pleading look in her eyes, “Mimi shut the fuck up.” I took the cue and shut the fuck up. It was hard for all of us to do it, but for the sake of Stacy, we did. See, that’s the type of friends we are.

So during our meal, we had this person at our table, who pretty much didn’t want to hang with us and let us all know it. Thankfully there is a God and she finally went to the restroom. We waited a full minute, before Lauren said, “What is this bitch’s problem? Is she angry or something?” I told her no, she’s just a bitch who is only happy when other people are unhappy.

We had already made plans to finish up and ditch her when she came back, apologized for having to leave, but she had somewhere to go. I said, “Aw, I’m sorry. Have a Merry Christmas.” She thanked me, but the rest of the group were shooting me daggers since they could tell from my tone, I didn’t mean any of that shit.

So after that little dinner shit show, we had to get some drinks. And by some drinks, I meant a LOT of drinks. None of us were in the mood for loud bars and no clubs, so we settled on a little Wa Bar, which serves booze, and small snacks. Perfect.

We ended up staying there for closing time. Not sure how that happened, but it did. Lauren believed that Christmas isn’t Christmas if we don’t have a religious experience of some sort.  Turns out, saying, “Oh, God, Oh God,” during sex with random strangers, don’t count. Tell you that story at a later date. We got Carol, aka, Korean Fever (since her mission here in Korea Land is to bag as many Korean dicks as she can). WE managed to tear her away from some gorgeous Korean man and made our way to the closest church. The “church” in question friends looked like is a dime a dozen kimbap restaurant with a cross nailed to the door (get, it nailed). On the door, there was the usual picture of Jesus and some random friends.

Lauren elected that she just wanted to get a picture outside of the building. Now, me being the attention whore that I am, drunkenly thought that I too would like to get in on some of this Jesus action. So, I did the classiest thing ever, I raised my leg over the photo of Jesus and his Friends, tossed my head back, and posed. As I was Top Model mode, Stacy stated it looked like I was taking a piss on Jesus.

As luck would have it, a group of Korean men was walking down the same street toward us. It was at that moment, I remembered that I was in Korea. I wasn’t sure if they were members of the church or just regular God- Fearing Christians. Who knows what they would do us heathens. Well, it turns out I didn’t need to worry. One of the men looked at me, gave me a smile, and said, “Beautiful” and blew me a kiss. Only in Korea is pissing on Christ is seen as a beautiful thing.

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